adjusting to what life has sent my way, while rediscovering who i am

Letting Go

How can you be with someone for over 20 years, amicably go your separate ways, and let go?  It hasn’t been easy for me, particularly while we are still living in the same house, and being such good friends.  How can two divorced people be such good friends?  We both admit that we  have gotten along better once we knew we would be divorcing  then we we did when we were married.

The good news is we sold the house.  In fact it sold two weeks after it was listed – to the second person that looked at it!!  That’s pretty hard to believe the way real estate is these days. See my post called The Power of Prayer.  I know that is why our house sold so fast.  A lot of prayer and a lot of faith in God for his help.  So now I can do some serious house hunting.  I’ve been out with my realtor twice and am going back out again this Friday.  Hopefully that is the day I find my new home.  And hopefully that will be a huge leap in the process of letting go.

During the divorce process I learned about the five stages of grief:  denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. If you’re interested, google “5 stages of grief” and something will come up that will define them in great detail.  These stages don’t move in any particular order, and you aren’t necessarily through one before another.  Sometimes I find I travel through them several times in any one day.

My morning can start great.  I’m feeling good.  I’m in acceptance.  I head to hot yoga for a sweaty workout and during a slow, resting period, instead of breathing problems and issues outside the door like the instructor says to do, they all come to the front of my mind and my eyes fill with tears.  By the time I get to the car, I’m mad as a hornet.  Mad at myself, my ex, God…….  Other mornings that start out great I will find my mind wandering to all that’s happened, and I’ll feel that gray cloud of depression make a home over my head.  Tears will come to my eyes but not always run down my face.  I have been on an anti-depressant for almost a year.  I hope some day to be off, but for now, it helps keep me sane as I weave through these grief stages.

I must confess.  Things are better than they were.  Several months ago I cried off and on for what seemed like forever.  My days teaching kindergarten last spring are all a blur.  Somehow I managed to get those kids ready for first grade.  Talk about having no clue what was going on and being in total denial.  Slowly the time between cry sessions lengthened as I began to understand the truth behind our relationship and why we were having the problems we were having.  Well at first I denied the problems, but now I understand.  I have let myself see that they were there.  I’m working on accepting that we let them happen and forgiving myself for not making changes sooner.  Changes that we can’t make now and stay together.  If we had made changes much earlier just maybe we wouldn’t’ be going down this path.  I have to accept and forgive that as well.

I think acceptance is a big part of letting go.  And when I find my new house, I think acceptance will help me make that house my home.  And just maybe, I’ll be able to finally get a good nights sleep, in my new bed, in my new room.  These sleepless nights are getting a little old…….but that’s a story for another day.

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Power of Prayer

Since my husband and I decided to divorce, well, actually, since I knew we were having problems and there might be a divorce, I have leaped into my spiritual side of focusing on God, prayer, faith, Bible reading, and anything else I can hold onto that has a spiritual element.  Even though my husband and I believe in God, it wasn’t an area we focused on as much as we should have.  If we had, just maybe our marriage would have taken a different path.

Quick side note that I may expound on in another post, we are not divorcing because of any immoral acts, infidelity, or adultery.  Believe it or not, but after 23 years of marriage and three kids, we just didn’t know each other well enough.  You would have thought we would have figured that out a long time ago, or at least knew each other well enough by now.  But like I said, I’ll save that story for another day.

I have never felt I was good at prayer.  I wasn’t confident in how to pray.  The main problem was I just didn’t do it enough.  Prayer is like anything, you have to practice it.  There don’t have to be any rules or formality.  What I discovered in this whole mess of a life I found myself in, was that all God wanted was for me to talk to him, just like I would talk to a friend.

The biggest impact on my faith was when I started having prayers answered.  I have never not  believed in prayer, but I had an Aha moment this past June that has strengthened my belief and made me much more conscious of daily (or I should be honest and say, almost daily)  prayer for myself and others.

The Aha Moment:  I have been taking Hot Yoga classes this summer.  During class the instructor always talks about breathing your problems out past the edges of your mat, even breathing them outside the door.  I haven’t mastered this yet.  As soon as she brings up problems to breathe away, all of my problems come to mind.  One day, towards the end of class, I started thinking about all the crap my husband and I were going through.  Tears came to my eyes, mixing in with the sweat dripping down my face.   By the time I was in the car to drive home, I had an enormous amount of anger in my heart toward my husband.  I felt so weighted down with anger, I didn’t know what to do.   I cried my eyes out, and then somehow I just started praying, practically screaming to the Lord ,and I begged Him to take my anger away.  The most amazing thing happened.  Within nanoseconds I had no anger.  In fact, I had such peace within, I almost wondered why I was wiping tears from my eyes.  God not only answered my prayer, He did it practically while I was praying.

Now, I have never doubted there was a  God, but at that moment, my belief was confirmed.  Since then, I have experienced other answers to prayer.  The Lord has been quick to answer, and I know that won’t always be the case.  I am currently in a Bible study, studying Nehemiah.   During his life, he once had to wait four months for a prayer to be answered.  Now, I am one who likes quick responses, but I know I must be faithful in prayer and God will answer when His time is right.  I am so thankful for all He has answered so far, and I will continue to pray steadfastly and earnestly in all things.

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