adjusting to what life has sent my way, while rediscovering who i am

Letting Go

How can you be with someone for over 20 years, amicably go your separate ways, and let go?  It hasn’t been easy for me, particularly while we are still living in the same house, and being such good friends.  How can two divorced people be such good friends?  We both admit that we  have gotten along better once we knew we would be divorcing  then we we did when we were married.

The good news is we sold the house.  In fact it sold two weeks after it was listed – to the second person that looked at it!!  That’s pretty hard to believe the way real estate is these days. See my post called The Power of Prayer.  I know that is why our house sold so fast.  A lot of prayer and a lot of faith in God for his help.  So now I can do some serious house hunting.  I’ve been out with my realtor twice and am going back out again this Friday.  Hopefully that is the day I find my new home.  And hopefully that will be a huge leap in the process of letting go.

During the divorce process I learned about the five stages of grief:  denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. If you’re interested, google “5 stages of grief” and something will come up that will define them in great detail.  These stages don’t move in any particular order, and you aren’t necessarily through one before another.  Sometimes I find I travel through them several times in any one day.

My morning can start great.  I’m feeling good.  I’m in acceptance.  I head to hot yoga for a sweaty workout and during a slow, resting period, instead of breathing problems and issues outside the door like the instructor says to do, they all come to the front of my mind and my eyes fill with tears.  By the time I get to the car, I’m mad as a hornet.  Mad at myself, my ex, God…….  Other mornings that start out great I will find my mind wandering to all that’s happened, and I’ll feel that gray cloud of depression make a home over my head.  Tears will come to my eyes but not always run down my face.  I have been on an anti-depressant for almost a year.  I hope some day to be off, but for now, it helps keep me sane as I weave through these grief stages.

I must confess.  Things are better than they were.  Several months ago I cried off and on for what seemed like forever.  My days teaching kindergarten last spring are all a blur.  Somehow I managed to get those kids ready for first grade.  Talk about having no clue what was going on and being in total denial.  Slowly the time between cry sessions lengthened as I began to understand the truth behind our relationship and why we were having the problems we were having.  Well at first I denied the problems, but now I understand.  I have let myself see that they were there.  I’m working on accepting that we let them happen and forgiving myself for not making changes sooner.  Changes that we can’t make now and stay together.  If we had made changes much earlier just maybe we wouldn’t’ be going down this path.  I have to accept and forgive that as well.

I think acceptance is a big part of letting go.  And when I find my new house, I think acceptance will help me make that house my home.  And just maybe, I’ll be able to finally get a good nights sleep, in my new bed, in my new room.  These sleepless nights are getting a little old…….but that’s a story for another day.

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