adjusting to what life has sent my way, while rediscovering who i am

It’s Official

I’ve been watching the mailbox these last few days, because I knew the paperwork would be coming any day.  Well, today was the day.  August 11, 2012.  Interesting.  I met Bruce on August 12, 1988.  Just one day shy of 24 years from the day we met, we are now officially divorced.

Another interesting fact, at least to me.  The judge signed the paperwork on August 8, 2012.  Back in 1988, I thought it would be neat to get married on 8/8/88.  (I did meet Bruce 5 days later and we were married 4 months after that.)  When I was out and about on 8/8/88, I never would have imagined that a judge would be signing my divorce paperwork on 8/8/12 – 24 years later.

When checking the mailbox these last few days, I wondered how I would feel.  Today I found out.  When I saw the two thick envelopes in the mailbox, I knew exactly what it was.  We had to provide envelopes and stamps when we filed the paperwork.  Of course we didn’t know that, so we took a walk to the corner store and purchased some.  We chuckled when putting the stamps on the envelopes.  Stamps that said things like “Liberty”, “Freedom”, “Justice”, “Equality” — perfect words for envelopes to hold divorce paperwork.

I saw those envelopes and my breathing stopped.  It’s not that I’m not for the divorce.  It’s just that when I saw those envelopes, knowing they held the official “signed by the judge” documents, what I saw was the end of what I have lived for for the past 23 1/2 years.  That time frame of 23 1/2 years will never get any bigger.  It’s done.  It’s over.  We’re over.  Bruce is now not my “soon to be” ex husband.  He is my ex-husband.  I am officially single.

Nothing has really changed.  I’m still sitting on the couch typing on the computer and working on stuff to get ready for my job as a teacher.   I don’t look different.  The world hasn’t changed around me.  The sun is still shining brightly outside, the sky is still blue, and the leaves are blowing in the breeze.  But I feel different.  I feel like I’ve lost a part of me.  My counselor would say that I have been losing that part of me for several months, even years.  That part has been slowly leaving me bit by bit as Bruce and I started having marital issues.  But that part of me will know longer leave slowly, until it’s gone.  That which remains has simply been cut off.

I have been officially single for one hour.  That time frame will continue to get larger.  This time tomorrow, I will have been single for one day.  This time next Saturday – one week.  Next August 11, 2013 – one year.  Although I have lost a part of me, I am filling up that empty part with new thoughts, hopes, and dreams.

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