sparklybecky

adjusting to what life has sent my way, while rediscovering who i am

Loneliness

Divorce can be so lonely and it’s only the beginning of my new life.  Maybe I would have been better staying with the marital problems.  I’ve started working on making new connections.  It just takes time.  It’s the evenings that are hard.  I miss having a husband to hang out with.  I miss looking forward to seeing him after work.  I miss him.

And what’s sad is we haven’t even moved into separate homes yet.  I move out in two weeks.  What’s it going to be like then?

I just want to be happy again.

I know, I know…..I’m in charge of my own happiness.  Sometimes it’s just hard to stay upbeat.

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Where to Live???

We sold our house.  Sold in about two weeks to the second person who looked at it.  Talk about an answer to prayer!!  I had planned on buying a house and looked at about two dozen.  I picked one out, made an offer, and got cold feet.  Was I deciding to fast?  What about all the fix ups I want to do  to it?  Will I ever be able to afford that?  It didn’t look like the house was going to go through so I started looking into renting.  At this point, I only have three weeks left in my house, and I’m stating to feel a little concerned as to where the kids and I are going to live, along with our dog and cat.   On top of that, my teaching job starts this week, my son doesn’t have a job and we are pressuring him a little hard to get one as he is 18 years old and not going to college.  All this on top of all the emotions of a divorce and I am just a little bit overwhelmed!!

Then it looks like it might work out again to get the house.  So I have two paths to follow, buy or rent.  I decided to keep following both paths until one stopped and one kept going.  I looked at an apartment about 7 miles from my current home.  It is a beautiful area along the river with lots of mature trees.  There are ponds throughout the apartment complex and walking paths.  They have a three bedroom on the ground floor and the deck isn’t enclosed and it opens up to trees and a grassy area, so it makes it feel a little more spacious on the outside.  There will be four of us, but we can manage a 3 bedroom.

I started feeling positive about the apartment.  Then I thought about the pets.  They love our current backyard, and would the dog bark at every movement from people next door or above us?  I also talked to my 14 year old who has been very open about living anywhere, but now sounded a little bit unsure.  At least that’s what I got from  his 14 year old grunting sounds.  So now I’m leaning toward the house.  Back and forth my mind goes all afternoon.  But my cold feet toward the house comes again.  I start thinking about what I really want in a house – granite counter tops, nice cabinets, stainless steel appliances.  I start to worry I’m settling.  I start realizing maybe a transition period would be good.  Rent a place for 6-9 months, adjust to being divorced, then start looking for a home.  That felt like the path to follow.  So I let my realtor know that I was no longer interested in the house.  I had placed an offer but the time passed for the owner to respond because they were out of town.  They were taking their time getting back to me and now it didn’t matter.

So rent it is.  But should it be the three bedroom I found?  Wouldn’t it be better to find an apartment closer to my sons school and friends so this divorce/moving situation wouldn’t be so hard?  This morning I get up and go look at some very nice apartments about a mile away.  I love this place too.  But there is a problem.  They only have one and two bedroom apartments.  I look at the model and love it.  I try to picture four of us in it.  I start to think older kids can spend more time at their dad’s house, not just with me.  After all, it would be perfect for the younger one.  Luckily I have a counseling appointment on this same day and I can discuss it with her.  I putter around, crying off and on while in this overwhelmed state of not knowing what to do…….thinking, thinking, thinking of all the different scenarios…..at the same time reliving different parts of my marriage and divorce in my mind.  My mind is overloaded, but when I begin to settle it down, I realize what I must do before I even walk into counseling.  The three bedroom apartment.  It has the most space, is on the ground floor, and has beautiful ambiance.  It’s not for ever.  Less than a year.

Then I walk into counseling and lay it all out for her.  I tell her all about the apartment, my 18 year old’s lack of motivation to get a job, my fears, my thoughts….everything you tell a counselor.  You know what I mean if you’ve been.  And I cry.  I can’t help but let it out.

But, I walk out feeling a little bit better.  I go to the apartment complex and pay my deposit.  As I leave, I drive around the whole place again and soak it in, realizing within two weeks I will call this home.  My counselor told me I should do something symbolic as we leave our old home and move to our new home to start our new life.  (They will see their dad, and can stay with their dad, but this is for their new life with me at our home that I am providing).  So I am thinking about what this might be.

Driving home, I can feel my eyes and head start to hurt after releasing all these emotions I’ve held onto all day.  I was planning on going to my classroom to work, but ended up going home and vegging in front of the television and falling asleep.  Just what I needed.

I keep thinking I’m doing better.  But now that the house is sold and we are getting closer to moving, it is all becoming so real.  I relive the pain the divorce has on the kids and I am having a hard time letting it go.  My older two (20,18) will be pretty good.  They don’t have the best relationship with their dad right now and I’m hoping the divorce will actually eventually bring them closer together.  It’s our 14 year old I’m worried about.  During a camping trip, he told his dad that he gets sad when he thinks about it, so he just doesn’t think about it.  And I’m sure it helps that nothing looks different at home.  But now we are moving.  This will bring it all fresh to his mind.  It hurts so hard to know that he will be sad and we are tearing his life apart.

It has always been my personality to want everyone to be happy, even at the expense of my own happiness.  I considered staying in the marriage, just so the kids would have an intact family.  But then I wouldn’t be happy and neither would my ex.  He was initially thinking of waiting until our youngest graduated from high school.  That’s four years.  That’s four years for me to not be loved by my husband.  To basically be a mom and maid.  I realized I wanted more than that.  In a relationship, I want to be loved romantically,I want to be wanted,  I want to be needed.  Not only do I want these things, I need these things.  And even though it’s hard on my kids to have their parents divorced, I figured it was a better lesson for them to see me seek happiness, rather than stay in a marriage that wasn’t happy.  I hope we made the right decision.

Why blog all this?  Well, it helps to get it off my chest.  It’s like writing in a journal.  And if someone reads it and gets a little help with their own situation, than I’m glad I could help.

I know life is hard right now and could get harder, but I do hope there is a happier time in the future.  And from what I’ve read about happiness lately, it’s one’s choice to be happy.  I try hard to choose happiness, but sometimes things just bring you down and you find it hard to dig your way to happiness.  I guess the key is to not stop digging.

And by the way, my son applied for several jobs tonight.  Maybe he is starting to see the light.

 

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